I am a feminist

Note: the discussion below may seem familiar. In fact, it is based on the accumulation of over a dozen such instances that have taken place over the last three years, the majority of which happened offline. The facts and circumstances mentioned below do not relate to any one instance or individual.

I was greatly inspired by the fabulous discussions at Shakespeares Sister and Apostate.

Typically it goes like this.

Well, let’s back up first and start with a definition.

A feminist, according to Dictionary.com, is a person whose beliefs are in accordance with “the doctrine advocating social, political, and all other rights of women equal to those of men” (hereinafter: “the definition.”)

Now let’s start with Jane.

Jane thinks women and men are equal and should have equal rights and opportunities.

According to the definition, Jane is a feminist.

Jane, however, has different interests from various vocal feminists. Maybe she dresses in ways of which radical feminists don’t approve. Maybe her job is viewed as too patriarchal. Maybe her sexual preferences are not blessed by friends or acquaintances IRL or online. Maybe she has different priorities based on social class, race or upbringing than those she sees being the focus of various big feminist blogs and/or books. Maybe women (or men) Jane knows have attempted to revoke her feminist card for such matters.

But wait, you say. There is no feminist card. There is no entity with the power to revoke ones feminism. Either one has it or one doesn’t. And there’s only one person who gets to decide that.

Well, you’d think, right?

But, because of one or more of these differences, Jane decides to go public as no longer a feminist. She doesn’t feel comfortable with the term anymore. She may (is likely to, even) put it in much more dramatic terms.

And, a cadre of women, some feminists and some no-longer, applaud this choice.

Jane still calls herself a Democrat (usually), despite diverging dramatically from many in the party. She still calls herself a runner, although her running frequency and style differs from many others who call themselves runners. She still calls herself an anti-racist, although her views of anti-racism are different from those of, say, Bill Cosby or various members of the Supreme Court who also refer to themselves as anti-racists. She still calls herself a teacher, although she feels a growing disconnect with various others in her field. She would consider it ridiculous to divest herself of any of these appellations.

Jane is aware that if she did change her status regarding political party, race, or other examples above, she might come in for some critique from friends, and she knows it would likely be well-justified.

However, Jane (and her supporters) are at the ready if/when her choice not to be a feminist is critiqued. They are, in fact, offended.

Typically, the critique is muted, of course. The is not just any movement, it’s feminism. The F word. Women aren’t supposed to be demanding, pushy. Words like “aggressive” or “shrill” get a lot of usage in place of “assertive” or “forthright” when the only difference is estrogen. So it’s not cool to be too demanding when one of your own says she can’t represent something, even if it cuts you to the quick because that something has to do with whether you’re a person or not.

But you feel like you need to say something. Often, nobody else will.

Only – it becomes very clear, very quickly, that you’ve stepped over the line, and you’ll get slapped down. No matter how irrational it is for someone to reject her own equality, because that’s exactly what “I’m not a feminist” is, you’re not supposed to say it. As a woman, you need to understand that the former feminist has been somehow alienated by others within the movement. And that unlike any other group – like, the kinds that are run by GUYS, the important ones – it’s understandable to bail out of the principle and not just out of association with the offending members.

We’re used to being expendable, and we’re not supposed to “center” our hurt at this, especially when someone’s complaining that our desire to be equal is the root of her sadness. We’re women, and the most vulnerable is always right.

You don’t expect the slap-down from women, though. When you say “we are equal, why is that controversial, why are you confusing some bad apples with a principle?” You expect guys to say pipe down and shut up, maybe. But other women?

Well, these women are sticking up for one of their own who’s been hurt. That’s what women do. So: stuff it. File it away. It’s not HELPING.

Because standing up for women being equal is selfish. There’s no possibility that the intent was to provide something maybe more helpful, yes helpful, than the bandaid of an online hug and a rubber stamp. Online hugs are great, don’t get me wrong, but they’re not great long term remedies. The suggestion that one could gather succor from not letting slip away, from accepting and insisting upon on ones own terms, a belief system that at least at one point held significant meaning, seems to me to be a sincere expression of help.

Maybe not. The person facing the truly difficult pain of feeling she has to be “x” to be a feminist – that’s important. But is affirming the chosen way to end this pain – when it may not solve the underlying issue – is that the solution?

Telling people what they want to hear – is that the kind of help that counts?

What about women? Don’t we count?

When I think about why it's important to identify as someone who believes in the definition, I think about the things that have happened in my life because others didn't.

And I know my examples are very minimal in the scheme of things.

The times I had to get coffee for people with penises and fewer qualifications.

The time I got fired because the man who sexually harassed me got sick of waiting to see if I’d say anything.

The time I sat by the beach and thought about suicide because despite my “privilege,” I had no idea what I would do next. I couldn't figure out a way to enter "privilege" into the ATM as my password and get the $120K that I owed. And nobody had any answers except get married.

The women I counsel who come from families who support only their brothers as the first in the family to attend college, maybe.

The fact that for every color, orientation and class, women in that group face higher hurdles than their brothers? And no, I’m not a woman of color nor lower income, but I’m related to some who are or have been both.

What about: I hurt when I hear someone I respect opting out of the principle that says: these people deserve better.

Because that’s all it is. That’s all feminism is. There are tens, hundreds of different varieties. But feminism is very simple. No matter how dominant-seeming, no matter how vocal, no group can define for any individual woman what comes along with believing she is equal.

But wait, you say. Who are you to question women’s choices? You have the choice to be a feminist. Jane has the choice not to be. It’s about autonomy, stupid. She’s got the right to make choices about her life and have them be respected.

Right. And that’s because of feminism.